- "Urrrgh, my holy foetus has made me quite ill tonight. The trials I bear to bring you morons your saviour!"
Foetus is my new favorite word now. Bye bye fetus! Hello foetus! Kim, calling people morons and then misspelling two words in the first line of your post isn't really the smartest move.
- "It's time you oiks returned to the Lord. Trust me, Christians are much funnier than metalists!"
Oh shit isn't that the truth?! You can read around on this very site to learn that much!
- "It's a well-known fact that Christians don't suffer from depression, whereas metalists are more than 25 times likely to suffer from depression than normal human beings.
Take my boyfriend, Kev. He was a metalist till I made him give it up, and now he cries all the time. It's pathetic. He'll take his Iron Maiden and Slay Her albums out the safety deposit box (I let him look at them occasionally) and cry and cry. "This is why you're not allowed to listen to them!" I scream compassionately. But still he weeps. That is how ingrained the metalist depression is."
Kev I believe you will be needing this number: 0808 801 0327 it's for Men's Advice Line. It's a help line for men who have gone through and are going through domestic abuse. I recommend calling and breaking all ties with Kim after you get custody of your child. It'll be best for you and your baby. Also here is the link to their website.
- "For over a month I've had disgusting children point at my stomach and ask if it's Mr Attlee's (Kev's) baby. When I push them over and declare it is the Lord's, they run away crying like the demons they are.
Now a revolting rumour is circulating that I am pregnant by "an insane American ex-marine neo-Nazi". I am OUTRAGED. Louis the Nazi and I were only ENGAGED at the time of my conception, and I was chaste! (Not to mention ignorant of his fascist views.)"
Only engaged? So you're saying you are engaged to one man and you cheat and get pregnant by another man? And you are the holy one? Please! Stop. You're only making yourself look horrid. The children are innocent they are simply trying to have a conversation yet you, the real monster, decide to have a shouting match. Pathetic.
- "I am nearly four months pregnant so obviously I can no longer cook, clean, walk the dog, empty the cat's litter tray, climb up stairs, visit the toilet unaided or dress myself. I added these things to Kev's daily chores and he does NOTHING but complain!"
Kev again that number is 0808 801 0327. As Kim says later on in this post she may need a mule to haul her ass up the stairs. Four months isn't far along enough to be immobile. Walking a dog maybe. Yet going up stairs, using the bathroom, and dressing your self is YOU'RE laziness not Kevs.
- "I've only hdd shandies all night!! But I feel druunk?! There were METALISTS bythe bar, this is sooo them! Why would you spike a pregnant woman? Why???"
Do tell why the hell you would go to a bar while pregnant?! What the hell were you thinking? Someone spiking your drink is bad but you being dumb is also bad. Also correct me if I'm wrong but isn't a shady beer and lemonade?
- "I was forced to stand for two stops, jeapordising the safety of the holy child I carry. And when I got home and related the story to Kev, he DEFENDED the metalist! I threw a vegetable steamer at his face but the Devil intervened and it bounced off the kitchen door instead. How on Earth can an ex-metalist metal sympathiser help me raise Jesus 2? This is a question I ask myself constantly."
Again Kev that number is 0 8 0 8 8 0 1 0 3 2 7.
- "Exciting news: I'm finalising a new Christian R&B song about my God-blessed ovaries."
. . . Please! Please for the love of god make this song NOW! I'll go to Christ if you just rap this song. I shit you not if you, Kim, rap this song I will stop this site and start writing for Jesus if you just rap this fucking song on film and never delete it. PLEASE.
- "Amazing news! My boyfriend Kev has FINALLY accepted that my foetus is the Son of God (and nowt to do with my disgusting White Supremacist ex-fiance) and we are back together! Rejoice for us, internet!!
Now I just need to tackle my fellow teachers who REFUSE to tell our pupils the truth. I am sick of perverse speculation from thicky stupid schoolchildren! The things they say about my God-given foetus (and how it was conceived) are DISGUSTING. Like I'd do THAT."
Ohhh! So you're trying to say you're a virgin mother? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- "My original case study included an American man who could only become aroused if cows ran at him from a distance over a field, and a female metalist singer who could only achieve sexual gratification if she sat on a bus and someone behind her rubbed Greggs sausage rolls on her hair.
This. Just. This. The fact about this is that it's trolls being trolled. Which I love! It's much to perfect.
Well guys, that's all for now. I don't believe I nor you could handle much more. I actually believe this one went better than my last one did. (Carl Hanso) I'm still very much so enjoying these. Since there has been a lack in my time to spend here and news I find interesting is becoming low recently I may be doing loads of things like this. My apologize because I know these are not as interesting but I hope you all do enjoy them.