Please note however that I realize this page is a fake. I believe everyone who stumbles upon this page realizes that. I also realize that I am feeding the trolls by writing these. I don't really care though. Their reactions are funny as well as what they say about people who "troll" them. The humor is what I do this for. With that being said lets get on with the funnies shall we?
- "There's always these emo thugs that pollute the air with hardcore drugs around the local park. (A place for families to sit and eat, not for druggies to abuse drugs). In an investigative mood, I followed a ragged looking couple home, and through my telescope, I could see them in their house, drinking alcohol, smoking a few marijuanas, and listening to metal bands like the Slayer, the Venoms, Coffins and of course - Slipknot."
This one seems to get better and better. Not only is the whole "Emo thugs" part perfect but he stalks the couple as well. Also reporting that they were "smoking a few marijuanas" which really shows his ignorance.
- "So, you think that the Judas Priests are really cool? You're breaking the law... God's law.
You think that the Mega-Death are 'wicked?' You're selling your soul... and Satan's buying."
Do you even need me to tell you what's wrong with this one? Would you like me to have "The Mega-Death" or "The Judas Priests" explain it to you?
- "I gave my son a mission to save the younglings from the evil heavy metals. I would only give him lunch if he managed to recruit more kids to our church. So at lunch, he was telling kids about Jesus and CAS. He got called 'Bible Basher', which I am proud of him for earning. (It means a Christian who fights hard for JUSTICE)
It was then that my son approached 3 'emo/emu' metallers sitting at the back of the school building. They were listening to the 'deathcore' band known as 'The Mega Deaths'. This is the moment he was waiting for. Months of training had led to this moment. He pulled out his bottle of holy water and his crucifix and charged at them. He soaked them completely in the water of the Lord, and used the crucifix to scare the metal demons away from their young bodies. The trio of metalists ganged up and laid hits and kicks into him."
I'm honestly not shocked that he only lets his son eat when he gets more kids to come to his church. Hanso writes frequently about how he abuses his child. However the fact that his son threw holy water on a group of Emu's and they punched him does. I didn't know they could punch.
- "What you're experiencing right now is what experts, such as myself, refer to as a 'metal relapse.' Hundreds of thousands of ex-metalists go through this every year. Curbing this urge and continuing on the path to metal-free goodness isn't easy, but it sure is possible."
". . .experts, such as myself, . . ." Sorry Carl, but your "advice" is pretty close to self harm and some pretty intense bondage porn.
- "Many families suffer from metal. There's metalholic fathers that come home after a night of binge-metalling and take their anger out on their families while playing Slipknot at full volume on their stereo. Many children get exposed to metal at a young age, and their parents lose them to depression, drugs and pornography."
Poor Timmy. His father binge metals and Timmy started listening to it. He masturbates now. . . When are people going to stop being so afraid of porn and metal music?
That's all from Hanso for now. I believe next time I'll do one for David. His post seem equally as funny. Leave a comment below if you would enjoy Davids quotes. Or would you like Hilary's? Let me know! Until next time, guys.